Resolution Woes

I played some piece of junk game earlier that–you’re not going to believe this–was only 256×240 resolution. I know! Ew, right? It’s not even 720p! It’s disgusting and ugly. God only knows what they were thinking to release a game in such an awful state. It’s unplayable. Just look at those numbers–can you even imagine how bad that resolution truly is? It’s gross. It makes me vomit in my mouth just thinking about it.

And you might want to sit down, because it actually gets worse. The game couldn’t show more than 54 colors simultaneously! I’ll wait while you throw up.

So this disgusting, blocky, unplayable mess of 256×240 resolution graphics could only show 54 colors simultaneously. I can’t imagine what they were thinking to release it in such a state. It’s atrociously bad, and totally unplayable. It does, thankfully, run at a brisk 60 frames per second, but that hardly matters when we’re dealing with such despicable resolutions.

The game was some crap piece of shovelware called Super Mary Brothers 3 or some shit. I don’t know. It didn’t look very good. I guess if you could make yourself deal with the atrocious resolution and lack of anti-aliasing, you might be able to squeak out some kind of not-so-horrible-you-want-to-kill-yourself experience, but that’s way too much work to be worth it for a game the developers thought was okay to be released at such a terrible resolution.

And I hope you’re not a sound buff! Because the audio is mono! I’ll pause again while you go vomit.

That’s right–mono audio. One channel. They couldn’t even do stereo, much less 5.1. That’s disgusting. And the sound quality is just atrocious. You can tell it’s just these horrible blips and bloops that you could get if you programmed a game on a TI-85 calculator.

There are only two things players can do, too, so there’s no variety to the game. Players run and they jump. That’s it. The developers tried to add in a little variety, at least, because players can get fireballs and a thing that lets them fly, but they don’t really add anything to the gameplay. It’s still just running and jumping. At 256×240 resolution and less than 54 simultaneous, six of which have to be a shade of grey.

It’s fucking atrocious, and someone needs to hold the developers’ feet to the fire over it, because this isn’t acceptable. They should be ashamed of themselves for not releasing a game that runs at least at 1080p, because anything less than that is totally unplayable. And would it have killed them to add a little anti-aliasing or anisotropic filtering? Jesus Christ, look at this mess:

Totally unacceptable.

Totally unacceptable.

What were they thinking? This isn’t okay. This is terrible! Unplayable! Hideous, disgusting!

/end Satire

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