Gaming Came Too Early

This is going to be a bit more vulgar than my usual stuff. I don’t apologize for that, because if you have a problem with vulgarity, then you’re probably not on this fucking site managed by a transgender lesbian any-fucking-way. But take this as a warning, because we’re going to take the sex metaphor and run with it.

Apparently, Gaming came during the SNES-PSX era, and we didn’t realize it. While we thought Gaming was just pulling out some really awesome moves and that Gaming really knew what it was doing, it turns out that Gaming was reaching what we might call “premature ejaculation.” When I look back on the past decade of gaming, it becomes clearer and clearer that the last several years of video games have basically been Gaming trying to continue thrusting as it becomes floppier and floppier–as things are prone to doing when they blow their loads a tad early.

It’s actually quite alarming how many reboots, remakes, re-releases, HD remasters, and ports we’ve seen. They have been so prolific that the 360/PS3 generation should go down in history as being the Reboot Generation, or the “Shit, We Fucked Up Everything and Need to Start Over” Generation. “Our Stories got too convoluted and haphazard, our gameplay mechanics got lost, our franchises lost their souls… We need to just wipe the slate clean and start over.”

Movies, of course, are really bad about this, too, and so is television. Though there are some obvious differences, The Big Bang Theory is easily identifiable as a clone of Friends, for example. Supernatural is a clear clone of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Doctor Who is a clear clone of… Doctor Who. Wait, what?

The only form of entertainment that we don’t see doing this is literature, and that makes me even happier to be a writer. If literature went through such a period of rewriting, then that period is already behind us, and it can be forgotten like a bad memory.

But evidently Gaming has already done the best it can do, has already shown us its best moves–Gaming has already came. And the best it can do now is try to seduce and say, “Hey, we can do it again. Trust me, babe… I got it this time. That can’t possibly happen again…”

Just off the top of my head, I’m gonna rattle off some remakes, re-releases, reboots, and ports–all of which were given to us in place of actually new content. Some of these are simply “new games” that drop the subtitles and number, which is a reboot whether it’s billed as one or not, especially if, as is the case with Super Smash Bros., the release has noticeably less content than previous installments:

  • The Legend of Zelda: Wind Waker HD
  • Tomb Raider
  • Mortal Kombat
  • Final Fantasy 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6 on mobile, then on PC
  • Final Fantasy 7 in progress
  • Super Smash Bros.
  • New Super Mario Bros. Wii-U, the 4th in the series. I shouldn’t have to point out how this reeks of creative bankruptcy.
  • Resident Evil. I think they called it Resident Evil Zero. I’m not sure.
  • Mega Man Legacy Collection. It’s on PC, which is great, and it’s not expensive, but it is inferior to Mega Man Anniversary Collection, where Capcom already re-released the classic Mega Man games. The Legacy Collection excludes the ones that didn’t actually have a legacy: the tournament fighters, Mega Man 7, and Mega Man 8.

And I’m sure that I could come up with a dozen more if I thought about it long enough, but I don’t really care to, because we all know how ubiquitous this has been lately. Let’s also get one thing out of the way right now: everything we’ve heard about Zelda Wii-U screams reboot. It may not be billed as one, but everything we’ve been shown makes it look, sound, and act like a reboot. Considering this is coming from the company that used the word “New” in four different game titles, and the same company who did an HD remaster of a game that still looks fine, it’s not exactly rocket science to smell the distinct aroma of a reboot brewing in the cauldron.

Between all the ports, remasters, remakes, and reboots, it’s a fucking miracle we’re still getting new content at all. It’s just a matter of time before Bethesda releases The Elder Scrolls, before Bioware releases Dragon Age, and before Microsoft releases Halo. Because we didn’t make sure that this shit died with the last generation, did we? No, we’re letting it carry on into the new generation.

Consoles are dumb.

They are, and you’re dumb if you own a console. With the Steam Link device now available, allowing players to connect their computer and play their Steam games on any television for a mere $50 per television, there’s simply no excuse for continuing to buy consoles. Plus, they’re just dumbed down, non-customizable, inferior PCs with monopolized Operating Systems and distribution platforms, absolutely absurd ToUs and license agreements, requirements to pay for online multiplayer (something we PC gamers would revolt against, if Valve tried charging $5 a month for us to play our games online. Not to mention Fraps and other simple recording tools, Raptr, simple sharing to Facebook, Twitter, Twitch, and YouTube. While consoles are struggling to get 60 frames per second at 1080p, PCs are pushing 4k resolutions and multiple-screen configurations.

It’s absolutely absurd how behind consoles are. Consoles are officially holding back Gaming, because games are being designed primarily for inferior hardware. And did I mention that we have Steam? While I do have issues with Steam, that doesn’t change the fact that I picked up every Tomb Raider game ever and all DLC for $20, and that I can sit here and buy as many games as I can afford, with discounts ranging from 10% to 90% off. Consoles are dumb, and there’s literally no reason to get one.

They’re also not cheaper. Just stop buying laptops. Instead of replacing your laptop with a laptop–especially since, be real, you don’t ever actually need your computer when you’re away from your desk anyway… I own an I.T. tech consultant firm, and the majority of people I know who have a laptop have absolutely no need for one, and they could have gotten a superior system for several hundred dollars less if they weren’t in love with the idea of sitting it in their lap for some fucking reason. At least 90% of the laptops I see on a weekly basis could be replaced with a desktop, with absolutely no inconvenience to the user. So get a desktop instead, since you need a computer anyway, and take the $400 you were going to spend on a console and instead buy a bad ass graphics card. Bam, done.

Use the HDMI port on the graphics card–or DVI, if you’re interested in > 1080 resolutions–to connect it to your television, throw a $50 Steam Link device with every other television in your home (a device that can be navigated entirely with a controller, by the way), and buy a $30 Afterglow 360 controller. They’re not the best in the world, but they’re more than sufficient, even for games like Super Meat Boy.

I’ve gotten really off topic, so I’m going to wrap this up now. Stop letting developers get away with remakes, reboots, and re-releases–Yes, this from someone who is still trying to argue for giving the PC port of Final Fantasy VI a 10. Because Final Fantasy VI has never been on PC except through emulation, and that’s not an entirely legitimate avenue for playing it.

“But… But Everything Has Already Been Done…”

No it hasn’t, you stupid jackass.

Look. In the grand scheme of things, our species is barely out of its diapers. Do you really mean to tell me that in just a few thousand years, our species has already reached its creative potential and tapped out every possible idea? Do you really mean to tell me that in less than 40 years, video games used every conceivable good idea, and that all we’re left with for the remainder of our species’ existence over the next ten million years will be a bunch of re-releases, ports, remakes, reboots, and remasters?

No. People just throw out that bullshit as an excuse for laziness. If our species only had enough good ideas to fill a few thousand years with fresh entertainment, then our species doesn’t deserve to survive the cosmic eons. Stop being a tool.

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